Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Mourning Clothes

I feel like taking a risk today. I've been hidden away this last month. But today I feel like I need to take a chance, be vulnerable and share what's on my heart right now.

I just read this post and Lauren's words kind of wrapped up what I've been processing these last few days. Lauren's been on a difficult journey and through God's mercy has grown tremendously. She's doing the Siestaville Summer Bible Study on Ruth. She describes how God spoke to her about Ruth removing her mourning clothes to be ready for what God had next.

This spoke to me because for the last 12 years I have been wearing mourning clothes.


I first put them on when my heart was shattered by a man acting without honor. Then my friend died and another layer was added. Over time and through heartache these mourning clothes enveloped me until I would look in the mirror and not even see myself, just this outfit of pain. Pounds and pounds of pain. An outward sign of inward scars.

The difficulty was that I was unable to remove this unflattering outfit myself. I hadn't eaten myself here. Exercise and dieting would almost immediately boomerang additional pounds.

Futility.

Frustration.

Condemnation and shame.

Despair.

Doctor after doctor were consulted, tests run, diagnoses given, pounds of nutritional supplements taken. I am grateful for each and every doctor. Their help was invaluable, but still they were not the whole answer.

The last four years, I have been actively seeking healing. Not just healing for my body but for my heart. I have been pursuing the Healer. Pressing in and crying out. Giving Him access, giving Him authority. All along He has taken responsibility, assuring me that He is in control of this wardrobe choice, and in His time He will change it. The great Lion's claws will peel through the layers and heal and reveal the woman within. But over and over again He also says, Wait, My timing is perfect. But prepare for your healing. So I do what I can to prepare, press in and wait.

This last month a sacred echo has been resounding, a refrain drifting on the wind until I finally heard it clear enough to give it my attention. Over and over I had been reading this verse.

Do not remember the former things,
Nor consider the things of old.
Behold I will do a new thing,
Now it shall spring forth;
Shall you not know it?
I will even make a road in the wilderness
And rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:18-19

I finally listened. Six days later My Healer, my Hero, spoke.

Yes, let's put on a new dress today. Celebrate! Today, the answer is not wait, but simply yes. Yes, I will heal you.


And piece by piece the mourning clothes are being peeled away.

Changing,
Blog Med Sig 4

1 comment:

The Brewers said...

i'm reJOYcing with you and for you. this is huge. our God is so, so faithful.

:)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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