Saturday, September 3, 2011

Sing out, Louise!

I know, I’ve been quiet. First I was busy, focused. Then I was tired, bone deep weariness from the let down of nerves.  Alternating pool soaking and book devouring with running around town taking care of various lovies: both the furry and the human variety. Still quiet. This week I’ve been cranky. The floating sensation had turned into untethered and lost which left me feeling a bit scared. The fog of discouragement swirled around me as I wondered if I would ever stand on solid ground. Silly really, to fall again for the lie that now is permanent and that my emotions alone can accurately assess my life. In panic I began to lash out, inside at first but the vitriolic fluid can not long be contained in my heart before it sloshes out of my mouth, haphazardly spewing pain. And frankly I didn’t want to sit down and share the loathsome details of that kind of week with you my friends. Not when some beautiful wonderful things have happened. Not when battles have been fought, giants faced and a few victories have been enjoyed and losses have been honorably sustained. To come back with nothing but complaints seemed wrong somehow. And yet a joyous victory song was not on my heart either. Then I walked into a room of friends and strangers last night and remembered. Remembered that I have tools to sort out the maelstrom of my emotions, tools that help me face and tell the truth to the One who knows but wants me to tell Him anyway. I have people who care to know what I am feeling even when it is not clear cut or pretty. People like you. And I always, always have the option to be grateful. In fact I always have the mandate to be grateful because thankfulness and discontentment have a hard time living together. And regardless of the message hissed in the dark I have far more to be thankful for in my life than reasons to shed tears. So tales of battles won and lost will wait for another day. Now I will push back the quiet and sing out!

448. my car runs beautifully
449. I don't have to pay for my groceries.
450. I have a roof over my head.
451. My parents love and support me even though I'm not currently working fulltime.
452. I don't have squeeze these new things in while working fulltime.
453. Jesus loves me even when I'm cranky.
454. Singing Success
455. new dance classes
456. people who want me to succeed
457. DBB loves me
458. new mornings to start fresh
459. a break in the glaring heat
460. Bull Gator getting as sentimental over the old family coffee table as I was (rare!)
461. small cramps remind me of '08 surgery success
462. possible afternoon with a friend
463. a plan for new stuff next week
464. a new blog post
465. deeper peace than I have felt in days.

Blog Med Sig 4

Friday, July 22, 2011


Leisurely I sit, meandering through the books and websites I use to focus me on Him, the One who gets me through my day, Jesus. And I read one of my favorite writers and discover this quote, so meant for me.
Henri Nouwen suggests that “[t]he word patience means willingness to stay where we are and live out the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us.”
And the kaleidoscope turns, revealing a new facet of beauty as I turn to the light of my past. I thought this long journey, these last twelve years were just about grueling character building, the exhilarating yet sometimes agonizing process of healing and layers being added to the love story that is He and I, but now I see that while I recognized that I was learning to release my plan I didn’t see that I was also learning to stay in the here, the now, no matter how it feels, and open myself up to Him and sweet treasures masterfully hidden.

Blog Med Sig 4

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Miscellany and I Love Libraries

I know I should tell you something you don’t know. How about, where I’ve been. Well nowhere, actually, but ever since I’ve decided to tend that little flame life has been relentlessy busy. It almost feels oppositional. But I’m committed. Trying my best to prioritize and work on these new tasks consistently. I have little hopes and dreams growing, just little green seedlings really (I know, I switched metaphors again) and I’m trying to nurture them. The funny thing is that a lot of the time I’m spending working this dream garden is the time I would normally spend on blogging. Not just the writing and editing pictures for my own blog but taking the time to make the rounds to visit you and comment and email, you know be present. Please know that when I have a chance I have been whisking off to lurk. It just seems to be a transitional season. But hey, that's what you get when the tagline is “the story of a girl trying to find her place in the world.” You never know where those kinds of journey may lead. But I’m still here, just in smaller doses. And I may be sneaking around your blog, reading, pondering, giggling, and just not commenting.

Today my heart is just grinning. You know last summer I was so grey. I don’t know why. (If I looked for reasons I could probably find some but they weren’t really the reason for the doldrums) I guess it’s just the vagaries of an artistic temperament. Sometimes moods show up and decide to settle for a little while, even without permission. But today I realized just how sunny I felt. No real reason why, just sunny. I like this soul weather. I mean if I looked I could find some reasons. Thanks to house and dog sitting I will have spent over a month in the close company of sweet little furry creatures who adore me. I had some new (little) things fall into place today in this new direction. Nothing huge, and my fears are still so intimidating (and scary loud) so when I see little things come together I treasure them like secret love notes from God saying, “Its ok, keep walking, I’m just steps ahead of you, clearing a path.”

So today, I went to a new library to find some sheet music that I needed and can’t afford to buy. A library in the city next to me had it. It’s a stunningly beautiful old library. I found one picture that I liked but clearly I’m going to have to go back and take a ton of pictures to show you. Because with the exception of the picture below, Google did not come through for me today.

This 1920’s beauty just fills me with excitement. I even got to get a new library card from them this morning. Sigh. I love library cards. My mom used to take us to the library as soon as we moved to a new house (we moved a lot.) Then I left there to visit my regular library where I discovered a cd of one of the songs I’m trying to learn, just sittin’ there, waiting for me, like someone had made sure I’d be able to get it. (I also found three wonderful new books at the Friends of the Library shelf: 3 children’s books for a dollar. Can’t beat it!) So I’m enjoying the soul weather. Trying tenaciously to clear my schedule but also be accepting that blogosphere participation may slow down a smidge. And I’m desperately, purposefully (confessional: not completely successfully) trying to not predict the weather down the road just because today is nice. In prose I’m trying not to predict that all my new goals will fall neatly in place just because today did. Trying to keep realistic expectations and an open heart for whatever He has for me next.

Well, I don’t really have a tidy wrap up but hey, this is a post entitled “Miscellany,”   There is no neatness in miscellany.

So stay tuned (but be warned it may be a Superbowl long commercial break),
Blog Med Sig 4

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

7DS: Trademark Infringement

Yes, you read correctly, I am blogging about trademark infringement. On Day 3 of the Seven Days of Silly I thought I’d give this subject the respect it deserves, at least as far (and only as far) as the note I just found at the end of a UPS notification email.

Sadly, it would seem that displaying the color brown is now the exclusive right of UPS drivers and their trucks. I’m actually surprised that dirt didn’t file an objection to UPS’s trademark application. Maybe it had other things to do, like grow stuff and stain clothes. And I’m shocked at the number of scofflaws running around out there.


Don't they know the consequences of violating U.S. trademark law.  Have they received their cease and desist letters yet?  Even on my recent trip up the coast I saw flagrant violations.

For shame Mrs. Heifer, what kind of example are you setting for the calves?

These sequoias have an entire forest of colors to choose from, but they just have to pick the one color that is now off limits.

This little guy is such an unrepentant trademark violator that he is actually sticking his tongue out at me. Have you ever? Such cheekiness.

And this coral bush (is that right Gift?) is so brazen that it has stripped off its outer bark and hiked its foliage way up high so it can flaunt its crime for the whole world to see.

I am so sorry UPS. I have read your warning and done my very best to spread the word. Now please deliver all of my packages extra early from here on out.

a dutiful customer,
Blog Med Sig 4

Friday, July 8, 2011

Summer Math

Pop quiz! Can you calculate the following equation?

(1happygirl + 1joybird) America’s Finest City = 

happy happy

joy joy

happy happy


Yes, I finally had my first blogmeet, you know, when you actually meet someone in the 3d world that you were introduced to in the blogosphere. She’s hanging out in San Diego for a few days and while SD isn’t exactly nearby anymore, it will always be my college town. And it’s so beautiful, so I raced on down to give Happygirl a tour of my San Diego. She was a total sport as I drove her around my college campus dropping fascinating tidbits like, I lived there, I danced over there, I stubbed my toe while walking to a mid-term over there. You get the idea. Since she was such a great sport I thought you might be, too. So I’ll share the some of that same intriguing information with you.

This amazing spot has the uniquely obvious name of “the Cliffs.” Actually I think it’s officially called the Knoll but in all my years there I only ever heard it referred to as the Cliffs. This was within walking distance of my dorm and I loved coming here to unwind, or vent, or watch the sunset, or dance by the light of the moon, or watch these guys

or just gape as they built this little cottage I like to call my future retirement home.

Then HG and I went down to the La Jolla Cove and you know this was the only picture I took.

I don’t know when I visited the Cove and only took one picture. Frankly that is completely a testament to HG’s sparkling storytelling skills. I had so much fun getting to know her I forgot to take pictures of one of my favorite places on earth.

From there we drove around a bit more and then ate at one of my favorite SD restaurants, Old Town Mexican Café. The carnitas are delish but the real reason I eat there every time I drive far enough south…

homemade tortillas! There is nothing equal to a freshly made tortilla. A-maz-ing.

Finally we walked around Old Town and I remembered that I’m still a blogger and I pulled out my camera.

As the sun began to dip I sadly had to say goodbye, in the 3d world at least to Happygirl. I was nervous to meet her but so thrilled to spend the day with my new friend. She’s funny and honest and determined to choose positive, just like she is when I read her blog. Thanks Happygirl for spending a whole vacation day with me!

On my way back to the freeway I saw the sun setting the harbor ablaze and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. So I did what any good blogger would do (again forgetting my frightful oversight at the Cove) and I whipped into a parking lot to take a million sunset-y pictures.

With love for my college town and much happy happy joy joy for time with Happygirl,
Blog Med Sig 4

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Red, White & Blue

Happy go through your computer and post random old pictures day 4th of July!

Blog Med Sig 4

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Tending the Flame

“Decide you will stop retreating from fear and step through it instead. Write down your decision, post it and don’t throw the note away until you have taken your first step.”  
The Dream Giver p 95
Bruce Wilkinson
When I was fourteen, I had a dream. I dreamt of being a great actress. Common? Perhaps. Trite? Maybe, but I don’t think so. I pursued that dream through study and practice for 8 years. Then the flames of burnout which hungrily devoured my last year of college consumed my dream, leaving ashes behind. Years later the dry bones would form sinew and achingly come back to life but by then insurmountable obstacles seem to pen it in. Finally I would do a small play here or there and my heart would burst into bloom, but then the giants of fear, injury, weight, lack, age and insecurity seem to block the dream from swimming anywhere but very small puddles. (I know that I’m hopping metaphors terribly today. Please bounce with me.) I became reconciled to the muffled quiet and the emptiness where this dream once resided. And then awareness, a whisper on the breeze of wait, there is purpose in the emptiness: a realization that the great healing He has been doing in my heart has been necessary if this dream should ever grow. So this dream smoldered in the dark and the quiet, tucked away.

In the meantime other dreams came to lead with blazing fire, one especially. I could not understand how if each of these dreams were lit by Divine Flame they could co-exist in one future. I could not spread my mind wide enough for ands and not ors. Then suddenly the blazing fire I had been following guttered, spit and seemed to go out. Weeping, I handed the smoking torch back to Him not knowing if there are any embers left hiding for another time, or if acrid incense is all that is left. For a time my hands were too wet with tears to carry any flame. I simply needed to mourn the loss. But eventually I sat up and looked about me understanding how wide the horizon is when I am not following one single light. A slight crackling caught my ears and out of the corner of my eyes I glimpsed a ribbon of smoke prancing in the wind. So I have been seeking permission to tend this flame. Not wishing to take up a lantern that is to light a different part of my path. I don’t feel the fiery passion I had at 14 or even at 20. Time and disappointment have taught me caution. But they have also taught me to trust the Light Giver over the light. To understand that I may be asked to give back this fire at any time and though I may feel abandoned in the dark, I am not. To recognize that even if the fire becomes a bonfire of glory it is a mere shadow of His light. So I follow and tenderly nurse the flame.

But how? In prose not poetry what is the concrete step I need to post so I step through the fear? I am already clearing away some wonderful commitments to give me a few more bits of time for this. And now I am working on two general audition monologues. My goal is to have them edited, memorized and crafted by the end of the July. There in plain, detailed English is what I am working on now. Now I've posted it and I promise not to throw this note away until I have completed this step.
Blog Med Sig 4

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes. Does anyone know that song? I think I have it on a random soundtrack somewhere but I’m pretty sure it’s from before my time. Anyways...I sense some shifting in my life and it feels a little chaotic. Not quite like the recent earth shaking, more hopeful but unsettling nonetheless. This year I’ve faced some (seemingly) dead ends and laid dreams down on His altar…all of them. I sat down with the One who births all good dreams and handed each of mine back over which left me wide open and bare. Several have been handed back but they feel different. One feels like a tiny treasure, a seed pearl to store away in my heart until it is time to bloom.

The other feels like work. Finally, some tasks to sink my hands and time into. But oh, it will involve battling fear, too. This dream comes with many boisterous, loud fears. And they must be challenged. I sat down this morning and gave a few of them voice in my journal. Then I asked Him to please give me truth, to please breathe courage in my heart to confront each lie. And He did.

All of this has blossomed in the last month or so. My fabulous trip and time with my Gift played a part in that. I feel that after years of waiting I have a step, a first step forward. But as soon as I got home I was buried in obligations and schedules and the need to work and commitments to serve and frankly I’m feeling a bit dizzy. I think some reshuffling of priorities and commitments may be ahead. Or maybe that’s just the reaction to coming back from vacation. But somehow I think that I won’t be able to invest in or pursue this dream without letting go or even leaving behind some very good and right things. I have no idea what this will look like. But if this week is any gage I will need to purposely carve out time.

Speaking of time I’m slowly Picniking my way through the hundreds of Big Sur Remix pictures. Hopefully those posts will be ready more quickly than the Big Fat Big Sur Road Trip posts. In the meantime I’m sharing a few of the beauties that surround me. (And yes Waiting4Daybreak, your kids rock! How I love them, and they make excellent subjects.)
Blog Med Sig 4

Monday, June 20, 2011

I'm Back

I'm back, simultaneously tired and refreshed.  I've got tons to catch up on here, new challenges that it is time to embrace and 670 (yikes! I promise not to inflict share them ALL with you.) pictures to edit.  But here are a couple of Big Sur Remix pics to tide you over.

Off to bed to do some California dreamin'
Blog Med Sig 4

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Road Trip

How those words make my heart sing.  (We took many road trips when I was young, including four cross country treks.  How big is Texas? Seriously?  The Bull Gator and my mom know how to lead a interesting, stop filled, fun road trip.)  After a fabulously full weekend with out-of-town family (someday I'll have to tell you just how large my extended family is.  I believe I can safely vouchsafe over 100 cousins.)  I'm going up the coast again. 


There's something about a good road trip that makes me all nesty and organized, turning my (newly washed) car into a little home. 

the role of my suitcases is being played by my sweet cousin Destiny

My sweet birthday Gift is traveling to the Monterey Peninsula and I'm going to join her.  June is very different than September on the California coast so it will seem entirely different than my Big Fat Big Sur Road Trip.  I think we can expect more fog and scenes of mystery.  Actually, I'm just hoping the coastal highway opens again by Monday.  This is what winter can do to that road.

photo by CHP Officer Ben Grasmuck
photo by CalTrans

Hopefully the trip will also be just what is needed to chase away any remaining writer's blahs.  I plan on having fun and reconnecting with one very dear to my heart.  I may even blog while I'm there or I may just disappear for the week.  Who knows? I will bring you back hundreds some pictures and miss you all.
Blog Med Sig 4

PS. As soon as I published this post I stopped avoiding Him and a few other things as well. It really helps me to get going when I tattle on myself to all of you.  How I love your comments!  You have brought a wholly unexpected source of  joy to blogging.
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