Sunday, April 3, 2011

Late to Lent: Days 21-22

feel free to read from the beginning

Day Twenty-One

Day Twenty-two
Bright morning sunshine filtered through a blanket opens my eyes, warming my skin. A chorus of birds sings loud and strong. The mountains are crisp against a blue sky laced with tattered clouds. Alighting in my favorite chair I spy golden-orange and deep coral roses, newly bloomed. After my reading I flip back through my book of gifts when I see it. 179. snakes hidden from sight, and there a few days later, 198. not being bit by the scary rattlesnake. A mere nineteen gifts listed between the thanks for protecting me from my fears to thanks for bringing me through my fears. This is poignant to me because there are other pairs in this journal, my list begun before my heart was shattered. Oblations before and after the breaking. Thank You for giving me this gift, this hope and preserving it, followed not long after by thank You for tears and comfort and hope in Your goodness in a season of loss. First the gratitude that He has kept me from danger and pain followed by the gratitude that He has kept me through danger and pain. This pairing of praises, the offering and the sacrifice, is it always the way?

And then quickly, so quickly, clouds move in hiding the sun, obscuring the mountains. The birds react, muffling, but when no rain arrives they again pick up their song. A chill breeze billows through the still open windows. As I sit paying (or more to the point not paying) my bills the grey clouds my vision as well. I pick up my journal; write a hard thank you, one I’m not sure I even believe. The impotence frightening, I long to lash out, harsh words to untroubled souls I find hard to keep back, so I flee to my room to release a torrent of tears. Muffling sobs, I sit with the fear, the helplessness, the hopelessness, the envy and the pain. Kleenex piles up next to me as I type to find rest when tears are not enough. How can He bring me through this? How long must I wait? Where is my sacrifice of praise? I find it very hard to bring to my lips. Outside of my bedroom window a dark magenta rose fluffs out its petals and lifts its face skyward to the sun I cannot see. 135. my bills are all paid this month!……281. a bill not paid, yet-opportunity for You to stretch my faith  282. words when tears are not enough 


 "What do you fear, lady?" he asked.


 "A cage,"
she said.
"To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."

The Return of the King
by J.R.R. Tolkein
"The Passing of the Grey Company," p.58
lifting my face,
Blog Med Sig 4


Rachel said...

I like when people share their journal pages, so inspiring. Now I will have to get myself some new gel pens or at least a hot pink one.

I like the scriptures that are reminders about the Lord directing our paths. I read one in Ecclesiastes yesterday that no one can straighten a path that God has made crooked and in that God is saying that he allows the good and bad but uses it all for our good, like the other scripture says he makes our crooked paths straight. :-) have a blessed Sunday.

happygirl said...

Thank you for sharing your journal and words of gratitude. Isn't it amazing how quickly we forget the grace.

Anna said...

I think I fear the cage too... or even a place where I'd have no voice. And, I hope I never get to the place where "all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire." That scares me, too. Thanks for stopping by my blog- I responded to your comment. Enjoying reading your journal-- keep singing, Joybird!

TK said...

its so important to remember that God IS directing our paths, all of them not just some of them...loving this journal journey I am taking with you! Thankyou, TK xx

David N. said...

EOWYN!!! Sorry, that's all I had.

nic said...

you are treasured through, joybird. even in the clouded days.

praying that you will continue to lift your face to His faithful care. He's got this.

Jodi said...

Wow, I love what you did here! I've never seen anything like this, believe it or not. You did this all digitally - the pictures, the writing, everything? How cool, and how?

Joybird said...

Hey Jodi, I couldn't find an email for you but I just had to reply. 1) I started with a free digital scrapbook image as the background and using different tools, texts and pics I have layered the image using Adobe Elements. It took a while but was totally fun. 2) You are not a dinosaur. End of discussion. 3) There is always tea with cake. I have an entire cabinet full. (Who sounds like a Brit now?)

Joybird said...

And Rachel, who also does not have an email I can find ;), I love how we can't make God's crooked paths straight, but He can straighten our crooked paths. What a cool pairing of scriptures.

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