Sunday, April 17, 2011

Late to Lent: Days 33-34

So there's a whole lot of other posts kind of like this one.  They hang out here.
Day Thirty-three

I’m not even sure how to discern what is going on in my heart today. It feels a bit torn up, like a wet lawn that has been driven over by careless cars. I simply need You. And I want to want You as much as I need You. I’m tired of trying to figure things out with so little information. Forgive me for all of the times when I want what You can do for me more than I want You. I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t think I can. Please do it for me.
I have to confess that I  don’t believe Philippians 4:11-13 at all. I’m not content. I don’t know how to live in every situation. And I believe Christ can do everything, but not in me. Like I’m the one great exception. I’m sorry. Forgive this pride in disguise. You have spent so much time listening to me prattle on about my dreams but are they Yours too? Is what I want what You want for me? If it's not I ask you to strip them away. But please be gentle. My heart is very small and tender. And it needs dreams. So if you take the ones I have now away, please give me new ones. Let me dream with You. Since you created me, You know; I was born to dream.  Father, You know what is on my plate today. I’m feeling so foggy about the rehearsal this afternoon. Help me to serve well. I’m just filling in, but I want to be prepared and I haven’t been disciplined at all on this so far.  Thank you for the sunshine and the green out my window. It’s so pretty. As is the birdsong being warbled next door. This really is a lovely place to live, I’m sorry I am so ungrateful at times.
 And You have even given me the time to rest I begged for and yet I chafe in that too, wanting what’s next, fearing being left out, fearing being judged or misunderstood. I hear the ugly hiss that I’m defective and a loser, and I'm afraid it might be right. I know you hate this hiss. Please let my ears hear your songs. Drown out the hiss. I want to hear You. Thank you for loving me even when I am such a
difficult child. You are so loyal. Even when You are telling me that I’m messing up, I know it is because You love me and You want good for me. And You are so much bigger than anything I can imagine. I know You see all the beginning and the ends and how they fit together. I want to rest in You. Please hold my hand today as I walk. I’ll try to lean close enough to hear Your whispered instructions because I love you.

your songbird

Day Thirty-four
Tonight I’m feeling poured out. Between stuff I’m doing at church, preparing for the stuff I’m doing at church and helping my Grams to pack, it’s kind of crazy. And I’m feeling poured out when in fact I’m mid pour. I have two more jam packed days to go. You know I’ve been writing those words often lately:
 empty, dry, parched, poured out. I wonder if it isn’t meetings and rehearsals and chores for Grams. I wonder if dried up and emptied out is exactly where I am supposed to be in this journey. Is this moment part of the withering that has to happen before death and a harvest of new life?   And isn’t that what Lent is celebrating? This time of fasting and repentance, what does it really mean to me…now?  In laying down my anger I am choosing to allow His perspective (which I don’t actually see but have to take on faith) trump mine. I am dying to my right to be mad because none of it, of life, is going the way I dreamt and planned. I am letting my heart winter over, settle down, submit, believing that spring is coming with fresh verdant shoots of life. By fasting this week I see how powerfully loud my body is and how difficult it is to obey. I’m reminded not only of all that Jesus gave up but that His sacrifice can feed me. Wow, that sounds so mystical and obtuse. How it actually works is that my tummy rumbling in the evening, craving a snack, is a reminder to tell Jesus, “I depend on you. Thanks for being there. I’m hungry. Please be here for me now.” And that too is a sort of dying. My physical cravings dying to a larger soul plan.  Even this journal has been a death of sorts. I haven’t been able to be easy, breezy free-wheelin’ on my blog; posting whatever took my fancy, whenever I want. I’ve had to be disciplined, write almost every day, and put off other posts if I only have time to work on one.  So I guess I’m feeling a bit crumbly at this point, worn thin and frayed at the edges. I can’t help but believe that this is exactly where I’m supposed to be, tired of the “law” so to speak and ready for a little grace and freedom. But lean in close so I can whisper a secret.  Easter is coming.
Blog Med Sig 4


happygirl said...

I can't believe it is Palm Sunday already. I don't know if this Lenten season has prepared me better for this Easter than others. I do know I've been more aware OF the Lenten season this year. Each day I have been actively aware of the season of Lent and being in it. I'm hoping this is softening my heart for HIM. Thanks for your part in reminding me of the Love He truly has for me.

Tiffini said...

I wonder if dried up and emptied out is exactly where I am supposed to be in this journey. Is this moment part of the withering that has to happen before death and a harvest of new life?....
wondering with you...if it brings beauty...then

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