Saturday, April 23, 2011

Late to Lent Extra: Dead Saturday Sucked

So it turned out that I had a little more to share. Lost? Directions here.

Extra
I planned to finish this series up with Easter. And I still will. But I need to add this extra post. Yesterday when I was writing I was so full. It was like the pinnacle of my Lent. I wrote both of those days in one sitting because I just had so much on my heart. I was marinating in God's love and lovin' it. Then something happened later on that day which got me a little hurt and then a little bit more codependent (people pleasing.) You know, by late last night I’m trying to pull out my emotional tools to sort this out when some completely unrelated pain and resentments, which have been quietly simmering away decided to erupt. So I took some time to pray. I finished reading Imperfect Prose and many of the posts totally addressed these issues but I still woke up Not Happy. It didn’t take long for Not Happy to turn into Utter Meltdown. I’d like to say I was just celebrating Dead Saturday (if Good Friday and Easter have
names, I think Saturday should too) with the disciples, huddled in a corner, crying, lashing out and overwhelmed. But yeah, there was nothing really holy about this. And it just sucked. I’m better now, I journaled, I talked to an accountability partner, I’ve addressed directly the two simplest problems and I’ve taken Excedrin. Tantrums give me migraines. Law of Consequences I’m sure, but they suck, too. (I know. I’m saying suck a lot tonight.) I realize that I have some deep seated resentment against someone close that I need to address, first with me and God and then when the time is right directly with them. Also a lot of things in my family are going to change in the next year and I thought I was all good with that, and it turns out I’m not. So, yippee, more stuff to process. The very worst part of today isn’t all of that though; it’s how I treated my Mom. I vented to her. I mean my entire meltdown was with (which feels like at) her. By the time I was almost done she was just sitting quietly slumped over. I felt awful then. It’s so hard to share this but I want to be honest with you guys about this entire Lent journey. And officially today is still Day 40 of Lent. My venting hurt her. I’ve apologized but it’s still the worst part of a sucky day. So I’m going to enter Easter Sunday having gone through a long and tiring journey of confronting and processing my anger at God, the high of being blown away by the immensity of His love for me and the raw ugly truth of how much sin I still revel in. I need the resurrection because my old stuff is not only dead, it is stinky dead: decaying rats in the ceiling dead. I’m so glad tomorrow is Easter because I urgently need to celebrate an alive Savior and the promise of new life in me.
Blog Med Sig 4

3 comments:

mountain mama said...

guess what?

tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..yet! :)


yes, it sounds like your day did suck abit but processing, praying, journaling...all of that good stuff.

i can't help but wonder why do we have so much to process? will it ever end? i wish i could turn off my emotions some times...just thinking out loud ya know :)

happy easter!

happygirl said...

Happy Easter. Thank goodness we belong to the God of second chances. Hugs and prayer go out to you this day. And, moms are the BEST. They know all about do overs.

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.

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