Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Song of the Quake

As Lent drew to a close I was longing for the freedom, the fun to return to my blog. I had a least one post half ready and was bubbling over with more ideas to explore. But I became quiet. A rest, I thought while waiting for the fun to bubble back up; maybe a small rest. Then the walls began to shake. The supports around me are quivering, threatening to buckle under. Some have already cracked and crumbled, never to be rebuilt. Others seem to be holding firm but with web like fissures exposing the need for repairs. But some walls are still trembling and I do not know if they will hold or break. Funny, most of these walls are not mine. I did not build them. But as much as I'd like it I am not a lone cottage by the sea. I am a row house, crowded in and buttressed by community and family. Around me I see painful changes and potentially painful changes and though none of them are about me, all will directly effect me. None of them point a way to those dreams most dear to my heart or the promises I have received. So I am feeling abandoned in the quake. Jericho’s walls groan and I thought I was on the side of the conquering warriors but perhaps…and the anxiety builds and there are no words in this heaviness.

Last week I curled up in my room and whispered in low tones to a young one I cherish about the constant symphony of my emotions; the soaring arias and the crashing crescendos, the awkward lulls, the harmonies found in the disorder. I tried to explain the simple melody in the lowest register, the notes I can usually only hear if I carefully listen. Peace, hope, joy, they all sing their plaintive messages in the foundation of my emotions. They are not my composition but the song of Christ within me, proof of His Presence. I am longing to hear those notes, that song which will delight me, but the buzz of anxiety drowns everything out but sadness and fear.

So I arise after a restless night filled with heartbreaking dreams heavy and in such need of Him. Come, He says, do not delay. You need me now. So I drag my tired self over to the living room, heavy with want and fear, and sit. I pick up the book which walked me through Lent and read again about the hard eucharisteo: the giving thanks for what is, even if ugly, knowing that God is always present. The thanksgiving in hopes of seeing not just a miracle but the miracle Maker and the miracles that have always stuck with me are those He has wrought in my unwieldy heart. So though I am recording the beauty I see in a book just for Him, today I share a portion with you. That and memories of dust motes circling like fairies in a hushed church glowing with autumn sunlight are all I have to offer.



353. turmoil – in it I value Your faithfulness




354. shaken security – reminds me to only build on You




355. lack of words – You are in the silence most active




356. exhaustion – You will have to be my strength




357. harmful songs blasting on my soul iPod – only you can turn them down and now I’m willing to ask




358. bad dreams – I get to wake up




359. heartbreak – You will bind me up




360. 2 year old giggles




361. 7 year old hugs




362. a leader I can trust




363. crushing anxiety – drives me into Your arms




364. breaking down the strongest parts of my life – making room for Your blessing (?)
Blog Med Sig 4

sharing the symphony still disordered with Em and friends



joining with bookeepers of glory

24 comments:

happygirl said...

This was a lovely walk through a beautiful church and a lovely reminder of what I can experience if I let down my guard. Thanks Joybird. It's good to see you again, friend.

Ostriches Look Funny said...

Joybird, you spoke to me just now.
Thank you for shining a light. Thank you.

Bristol said...

Every word of this was so beautiful. I read through it more than once. And the pictures are a perfect companion to your words... what a lovely space that church is!
Thank you for the reminder to listen to the ever-present tones of peace, hope, and joy in life-- the sounds that can get so easily drowned out by the rest of the noise in our hearts.

marlece said...

wow, that was some insight! That thankfulness in an ugly state...sure brings one back to what is important doesn't it? Love these pictures, beautiful, wow!

tinuviel said...

Your post calls to mind this verse from my morning reading:
"When the earth and all its inhabitants shake,
I am the One who steadies its pillars" (Psalm 75:3, HCSB).

May He steady you and give you peace. Keep singing, Joybird.

Tiffini said...

I hear you very clearly..I am in a similar boat..
xo

Teresa said...

Gorgeous photos and absolutely beautiful words.
Thank you for sharing.

Brian Miller said...

you know...after such an intense time of spiritual concentration it is easy to feel alone...you took quite the journey...and you know he never leaves...may you find sweet peace and rest in him tonight...

Jodi said...

Praying for you, Joy.

Leslie said...

i am here, reading, understanding, praying...

Cindy said...

Joybird...

Wishing I was by your side, just being silent with you, sharing in the harmony coming amidst all the notes in the soul...joining you in the quiet sanctuary of His heart for you, and I, and all of His children...learning to trust and lean into His care...

This post is utterly beautiful...I have been writing about the beauty of holiness...and you and your words and your very life - are fired through and through with it...I think I am going to go link to you right now!

(((hugs and blessings...)))

Melissa said...

gorgeous church!

Lisa notes... said...

Bad dreams - I get to wake up.

I love how you did your list. It helps me seek for the good, for God, in the midst of not-so-good things.

Anna said...

lovely post, Joybird, and the recounting of the gifts. Finding the gifts in the silence, insecurity, heartbreak, exhaustion- it gives Him a place to show some beautiful sides of Himself. Not fun to go through, but beautiful what He does.

Kim Hyland said...

There is beauty to be found even here. Your words and images affirm His presence. May you find even more beauty and peace in the waiting.

journeytoepiphany said...

What beautiful pictures of a beautiful church! I'm doing some Christian heritage research about Vermont. Where in Vermont is that?

Farmgirl Paints said...

oh wow...thank you for sharing those. absolutely beautiful!

Old Ollie said...

thanks for your insights JB

love this photo essay

Cathy said...

How gorgeous these shots of the church and what surrender the words you breath.

eloranicole said...

this is absolutely beautiful. love the "bind me up" image - and? 1000 gifts is definitely a reread in my book. even after JUST finishing it.

Kati patrianoceu said...

Beautiful words, and as always I admire your willingness to share your heart. And I totally understand how after your Lent discipline you'd not go straight to blogging as usual, for so many reasons.

But really, what I LOVED LOVED LOVED about this was that church! WOW!!!

Abby said...

oh joybird! this is raw and beautiful and I had to know which church this was...it reminded me a little of Park St. in Boston and then I saw Vermont. How gorgeous! and just all that He is doing in you...you know this is a tremendous season of growth in Him, though it feels so hard...you will look back and be amazed at all He did here...with love, abby:)

Elaine said...

I love your raw honesty. I understand your struggle...but what matters more is that God does. Blessings to you sister and fellow blogger in Christ!

emily wierenga said...

my dear joy, i know this anxiety, drowning out the notes of serenity... i love this post and the way your soul reaches out and finds mine and whispers, "it's going to be okay. this all happens for a reason." thank you.

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