Saturday, September 3, 2011

Sing out, Louise!

I know, I’ve been quiet. First I was busy, focused. Then I was tired, bone deep weariness from the let down of nerves.  Alternating pool soaking and book devouring with running around town taking care of various lovies: both the furry and the human variety. Still quiet. This week I’ve been cranky. The floating sensation had turned into untethered and lost which left me feeling a bit scared. The fog of discouragement swirled around me as I wondered if I would ever stand on solid ground. Silly really, to fall again for the lie that now is permanent and that my emotions alone can accurately assess my life. In panic I began to lash out, inside at first but the vitriolic fluid can not long be contained in my heart before it sloshes out of my mouth, haphazardly spewing pain. And frankly I didn’t want to sit down and share the loathsome details of that kind of week with you my friends. Not when some beautiful wonderful things have happened. Not when battles have been fought, giants faced and a few victories have been enjoyed and losses have been honorably sustained. To come back with nothing but complaints seemed wrong somehow. And yet a joyous victory song was not on my heart either. Then I walked into a room of friends and strangers last night and remembered. Remembered that I have tools to sort out the maelstrom of my emotions, tools that help me face and tell the truth to the One who knows but wants me to tell Him anyway. I have people who care to know what I am feeling even when it is not clear cut or pretty. People like you. And I always, always have the option to be grateful. In fact I always have the mandate to be grateful because thankfulness and discontentment have a hard time living together. And regardless of the message hissed in the dark I have far more to be thankful for in my life than reasons to shed tears. So tales of battles won and lost will wait for another day. Now I will push back the quiet and sing out!

448. my car runs beautifully
449. I don't have to pay for my groceries.
450. I have a roof over my head.
451. My parents love and support me even though I'm not currently working fulltime.
452. I don't have squeeze these new things in while working fulltime.
453. Jesus loves me even when I'm cranky.
454. Singing Success
455. new dance classes
456. people who want me to succeed
457. DBB loves me
458. new mornings to start fresh
459. a break in the glaring heat
460. Bull Gator getting as sentimental over the old family coffee table as I was (rare!)
461. small cramps remind me of '08 surgery success
462. possible afternoon with a friend
463. a plan for new stuff next week
464. a new blog post
465. deeper peace than I have felt in days.

Blog Med Sig 4
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